Queer
by Ryuuza
Summary: Sora thinks Matt is gay. Daisuke thinks Matt is gay. Koushirou believes, after an extended observation and a thorough analysis, there is a good probability that Matt is homosexual. Wait-doesn't Matt get a say in this? TAITO


_Author's Note_: What to say? I adore this couple. I needed to write fluff. I'm an incredible cheesy romantic fool. Put that all together and… Voila! (Actually, the weird thing is when I started writing this, the first part turned out incredibly angsty and sort of in the weird, distanced way that Stress Relief 6 was written… But then I went back and edited and it fits better with the rest of the fic now!)

_Warnings_: yaoi (meaning boy x boy), a tiny bit of ranting!Yamato language, weirdness, queerness, cheesiness, and random cameos

_Disclaimer_: I owned it not then, not now, not ever. Mores the pity.

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**Queer**

by Ryuuza

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Yagami Taichi regarded his best friend warily. Throughout the friendship that had lasted from elementary school to second-year of high school, Tai had developed the ability to read the other boy's moods fairly easily. The Matt currently perched on the edge of Tai's bed was upset, to put it mildly. It wouldn't have taken a genius to discern the meaning of the tense shoulders, the crossed arms, and the scowl marring the features that had half the school leaving anonymous notes in his locker. Golden blonde hair fell over narrowed blue eyes—the overall picture was one of a very angry Ishida Yamato.

Tentatively breaking the tense silence that had wound through the room unpleasantly, Tai ventured a quiet, "Yama?" He had a feeling that his antics would be unwelcome at the moment; that is to say, he would be the target of a myriad of flying objects.

The mood in the room eased, however, at his hesitant question, the dark cloud of heavy atmosphere lifting as Matt relaxed slightly and managed a small smile at the brunet. He let his arms fall to his sides as he slid off the edge of the bed and stood, barefoot, slender, and vulnerably sixteen under his best friend's scrutiny. (Sometimes Tai wondered how Matt could have grown up so pretty, through a puberty that had only added a husky timbre to his voice, a trait that had his band's fangirls swooning and a couple of centimeters to his height, leaving his pale, perfect skin completely unblemished and his long limbs none of the awkwardness of a gangly teen growing into his height. It, he believed firmly, was damned unfair.)

"I'm not mad at you, Tai," he said, but he sighed and there was an edge of frustration in his voice.

"I know." There was undisguised relief in those two words though. Tai rose from his unsightly sprawl across the bed and walked over to the blonde, looping his arms around him. He was grateful that his best friend wasn't upset with him. An angry Matt was a scary Matt and a scary Matt, while a potentially fun target for teasing or blackmail, could also do scary things that made Tai tremble in his socks. (Matt had quite a blackmail collection of his own. Tai was more prone to acts of stupidity than the blonde, for some reason.)

Outside, he could hear the television, blaring some anime Hikari was watching, as she scrawled precise answers to math homework that was too easy for her.

Matt leaned his head on Tai's shoulder and they stood like that for a moment, in each other's arms, silent and breathing each other's breaths, heartbeats in sync. And then Matt lifted his clenched fists, resting them on Tai's shoulders as he growled, "It's just that—_gods_, I wish everyone would stop saying I'm gay!" His eyes, framed with long lashes, were hard and pained and glittering, slightly feminine as was everything about him, in a way he'd never asked to be.

"Hey, hey, Yama, lighten up." Tai flashed an easy grin, relaxed now that Matt had openly confessed what had been bothering him. He'd suspected it'd been something along these lines, but now that his suspicions had been confirmed, the way was free and clear for some good-natured ribbing. (He would be hard-pressed to admit to it, but Tai never teased Matt about the serious stuff. It was just an unspoken rule. So he took all other opportunities gleefully.)

"That's easy for you to say," huffed the blonde, drawing away. "All the crap I've had to endure!"

Tai affected an offended look. "Oi, Ishida, I've endured them right along with you, you know!"

Matt cast him a brief, sideways look, then dismissed him and moved a few steps toward the window, where the blinds were shut against the late afternoon sunlight. "But nobody's ever called _you_ gay!"

"Nah, I'm too into soccer to fit into their stereotypes." Tai flung himself back onto the bed and watched his best friend stalk to the window and open the blinds, and golden sunlight flooded the room, little dust motes dancing in the rays.

"And I suppose I do?"

"Well, if you remember, Koushirou came up with a pretty impressive list…" Tai trailed off meaningfully but couldn't stop the burst of laughter when he caught sight of his friend's expression.

Matt crossed his arms again, back to the window, eyes locked in a full-frontal glare on Tai. "This is all Sora's fault," he said dreadfully, as if promising that something terrible would happen to their dear, mutual friend the next time he laid eyes on her.

"Yep." The soccer fanatic rolled over onto his stomach and smiled serenely at his scowling best friend. He could vividly recall the afternoon that had started off this insane crusade to prove Matt's homosexuality. It'd only been, what, four days ago, after all. "So why're you glaring at me, Yama-chan?"

Matt threw a conveniently heavy math textbook at him.

x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o

[_four__ days ago_]

"That's it!" Sora exclaimed, sliding into the booth next to Jyou with a frown. "All boys with pretty hair are gay!"

Everyone's heads swiveled to Matt.

He stared back at them. "What?"

Jyou coughed discreetly. "Ah—well…"

Tai took in the boy seated beside him, dressed casually in head-to-toe black that clung to his body like second skin, looked at the choker wrapped around his pale throat, the kohl lining his long-lashed eyes, and the matching black gleaming on his nails. And, lastly, the artfully disheveled tousle of blonde hair that had taken almost forty minutes to arrange. (Tai knew this personally, as he'd been the one forced to endure the hellish wait for his best friend.)

"You look the part, Ishida," Daisuke said bluntly.

Tai had to cough to cover up his laughter. He noticed Hikari and Ken doing the same. Jyou and Koushirou only looked embarrassed, turning their attention the drinks they had ordered, and Sora looked smug. Takeru, however, was indignant on his brother's behalf.

"Matt's not gay!" he defended staunchly.

Matt blinked and looked slowly at the group of friends gathered around the round booth in the corner of the ice cream parlor. "Wait—what?" He glanced down at himself for a moment then raised his gaze, quickly. "I have a performance tonight! It's not like I wear this stuff all the time!"

"Actually, Yamato darling, I was referring to your hair." Sora smiled innocently at him and then turned in her seat, waving an arm in the air to signal the waitress over. She ordered a double fudge chocolate sundae over fruit salad and turned back to her friends. They were all looking at her rather expectantly, Matt in particular.

"What _about_ my hair?" he demanded, sticking his spoon into Tai's vanilla ice cream and stealing a bite. "There's nothing wrong with my hair, at least there better not be—" he mumbled around the spoon, glaring at mostly all and sundry lest there be a problem with his hair.

Sora watched him Tai stick his tongue out at the blonde when Matt stole another scoop of ice cream. "Eat your own!" he whined, leaning protectively over his dish. "Mou, you ice cream thief! Why am I friends with you?"

Jyou looked resigned at having such immature friends. Hikari raised a spoonful of strawberry and giggled when Takeru leaned over and ate it. She shared a smile with Sora.

"Matt," Sora said, propping her elbows on the table and resting her chin in her hands, "you have pretty hair."

The boy looked pleased. "Thanks, Sora."

"You're totally gay."

"_Whaaat__?!_" Matt scowled and crossed his arms, his spoon swiping Tai along the arm as he did so. Tai yelped, Matt ignored him, and a pair of blue eyes focused on Sora, glaring. "Explain to me the correlation here. Just because I have great hair—"

"That you spend an hour on," griped Tai, leaning across the tables to steal Daisuke's napkins and wiping himself off.

Sora looked smug. "See?"

"Just because I care about my hair-!" Matt pulled a facial expression that, if everyone didn't know better, looked suspiciously like a pout. But this was Ishida Yamato after all… Cool, collected, blonde rock star who obsessed about his hair. He didn't do things like pout. That was more Tai's style.

Ken poked Daisuke in the ribs. Daisuke yelped, Ken ignored him. "Did Ishida just pout?" he hissed.

"How the hell should I know?"

"Maybe he _is_ gay," mused the other boy.

Matt had better hearing than his friends gave him credit for—he played the guitar, after all. "I am _not_ gay!" he exclaimed. He poked Tai in the ribs. "Tell them, Tai!"

"Matt is not gay," Tai said dutifully, but there was a wicked grin on his face, as if he couldn't personally testify that the words coming out of his mouth were true. Or it could be that he was secretly plotting to steal some of his best friend's ice cream in retaliation. Which is what he did, and much to his amusement, Matt was too distracted to notice.

Koushirou finished his milkshake and looked a little uneasy about the whole conversation. "Should we be having this—er—sort of discussion in such a public area?" A glance around the parlor confirmed that they'd already attracted some attention from the other patrons. Not usually a good thing, where Matt, Tai, and Sora were concerned. "Maybe we should…"

"Stop?" supplied Takeru helpfully. He directed an upset sort of look at Sora. "Matt's not gay, okay? Can we just leave it at that?"

Matt nodded and the sunlight slanting through the large shop window behind him caught briefly on his face, giving his usually milky complexion a golden hue. Tai, who was to Matt's right, blinked. Hikari, to his left, gaped.

"Are you wearing _lip gloss_, Matt?"

This warranted a few gasps and a close scrutiny by everyone in the booth, Sora even going as far to get out of her seat and approach the other end of the U-shaped both, shoving Tai, who was on the end, out of the way as she grasped the blonde rock star by his shoulders and studied his mouth intently.

"You _are_!" she finally announced.

He scowled at her and shoved her away. "It's for the show!" he snapped. And then, there was no doubt about it this time, he sank in his seat and crossed his arms as an unquestionably Tai-esque pout pulled on his mouth. Takeru's eyes widened in alarm, Ken nodded knowingly, and Jyou looked unnerved. Koushirou seemed to be making furious calculations in his head as he muttered to himself and occasionally flicked a glance up at Matt.

Sora only chortled and sat down just as her sundae was placed in front of her. She dug in happily.

Tai decided to take up the role of Super-Best-Friend-To-The-Rescue and give his friend a break. He waved his hands dismissively in the air. "Aw, guys, don't take it so seriously. You all know that Yama always dresses up like this for a show. Man, don't you remember, that one time he had that body glitter stuff, like, everywhere!" Matt shot him a grateful look. He grinned. "And everyone's gotta have a hobby, eh? I have soccer and Yama's got his hair!"

Everyone laughed, except Matt, who looked annoyed that his hair was being brought up again. Still, after Tai's intervention, the teasing died down and Takeru focused again on making Hikari laugh, while Daisuke tried to puzzle out what Koushirou was mumbling about. Jyou, however, after a thoughtful pause, pushed up his glasses and turned to the girl on his left.

"Ah, Sora, what brought that comment about, exactly? The 'all boys with pretty hair' one?"

Sora was silent a moment, licking her spoon, but only Ken was paying them any attention, so she shrugged. "Yuki broke up with me," she replied, sliding her spoon back into her chocolatey sundae. "You know, that guy I was dating with the gorgeous hair?" She laughed, carelessly. "Yeah, he ended up gay. Mou, that's _twice_! Remember Eiji? Honestly, what are the chances of _that_?"

Jyou frowned slightly. "Are you…all right?"

"Saa, don't worry about me Jyou-kun," she said, smiling cheekily. "I wasn't all that serious about him. I'm fine! Besides, now I have a good excuse for teasing Yamato."

The blue-haired boy smiled as well. He was glad that Sora wasn't hurt. However, now he was beginning to feel a bit sorry for Matt.

x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o

The next afternoon, after his band practice had ended, Matt made his way to the park where he knew Tai and Daisuke and a couple of other guys were holding an unofficial game. The day, unlike the one before, had dawned cloudy and had stayed that way. There was even a threat of rain in the low-rolling clouds that obscured the heat of the sun and the breeze that chilled the otherwise stifling air.

The game was tied at 2-2 when he showed up, only a few minutes left to play, and Tai's team on their last time-out on the sides. His brown-haired, energetic best friend was talking earnestly and gesturing enthusiastically with his hands to the other boys, clearly some sort of strategy that he hoped would gain them another goal in the next few minutes. As he finished his speech, Tai caught sight of him and waved his arm cheerfully and a mouthed 'Later' indicating when they could talk.

Matt returned it with a grin and a wave less endangering to passersby.

He loved watching Tai play soccer, he thought distantly to himself, as he seated himself on the sidelines with a couple of other spectators. It was his best friend completely in his element, and happy, and there was nothing as beautiful as that…

"Yama!" cried Tai as he flung himself onto the grass beside the blonde five minutes later. "We won!"

Of course. "Congratulations," he said, unable to help a smile.

"Man, what a rush! It was a close game." Tai closed his eyes blissfully and lay still on the grass, chest still heaving with labored breaths. After a moment, his eyes slid open again and he sat up, slinging an arm around Matt's shoulders. He titled his head conspiratorially close. "Guess what, Yama?"

Matt raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Daisuke still thinks you're gay!" With a cackle, Tai ruffled his friend's hair. With a twitch, Matt batted his hand away, irritably.

"Not the hair, Tai, not the hair. We've gone over this!"

"Your narcissist, you." Tai was laughing and he collapsed back onto the grass, staring at the sky.

Matt frowned and ran a hand through his hair, then gave it up as a lost cause for the moment. "And you all sweaty. I don't know why I put up with you." Still, despite his words, he turned to look down at the exhausted boy beside him and couldn't help another fond grin. "Baka."

"It's 'cause you looove me," Tai said with conviction.

"Aha! Sora was right! Ishida, what do you have to say?" Daisuke popped up in front of them, sweating and sporting grass stains. He pointed an accusing finger at Matt. "You _are_ gay!"

Matt's answer was a glare.

Daisuke wavered. "Aah…"

"Oi, Daisuke," called Tai, his voice muffled due to the arm he'd slung over his mouth to stifle his laughter. "Is your sister around?"

Matt's glare gave way to a panicked expression. He flicked a glance quickly across the park, anxious to escape the attentions of Jun Motomiya.

"Nah. She has to help baby-sit a class of preschoolers on Tuesdays."

The dismayed expression slowly seeped off Matt's face. He let out a grateful sigh and sank into the grass beside Tai, staring up at the shades of gray that painted the sky rather than the younger brother of his worst nightmare.

"It's such a pain—she comes home spouting all these nursery rhymes and gets them stuck in my head."

A snort of amusement. "Hey Yama, y'think her next love letter to you will rhyme?"

Matt turned his head toward Tai, mouth open to retort with some embarrassing fact concerning the brunet, but as he did so, the long blades of grass connected to the side of his face and tickled his nose. He blinked twice, rapidly. Then sneezed. And sneezed again.

"Bless you," Tai said, turning to face him. Their faces were inches apart and Matt could see the flecks of gold that warmed Tai's brown eyes, and he bet if he wanted to, he could count each individual lash framing those eyes. Then his mind went mercifully blank as Daisuke made a strangled sort of noise above them.

"One sneeze is lucky, two sneezes queer. Three sneezes, get the hanky—oh dear, oh dear." Matt pulled back abruptly and sat up, staring at the boy in utter confusion. Tai was doing the same.

Daisuke looked horrified. "Ishida, you _are_ gay!" Then he crossed his eyes and groaned. "Stupid Jun got _another_ one of her stupid rhymes stuck in my head!" He stormed off without saying goodbye, grumbling to himself and trekking dirt and grime over the grass as he headed off towards home.

Behind him, Matt and Tai exchanged bewildered looks. "What the hell-?" Tai wondered, bringing an arm up to wipe the sweat off his brow with his short sleeve.

"Taichi," the blonde said, tilting his head slightly and staring at the figure growing smaller in the distance from behind lowered lids, "don't take this as an insult, but it's pretty obvious that the Keeper of Courage keeps a great deal more courage than brains."

Tai hit him anyway.

x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o

The third day passed in relative normality. Despite a newly resurrected rumor that Ishida Yamato was gay, the school hours rushed by in a flurry of quizzes and class assignments and homework. Matt was relieved. He, however, had not accounted for the fact that it would be the next day, when the rumor had spread from one end of the school grounds to the other, from one tearful first-year to the last indignant third-year and the cheering second-year and slightly befuddled teacher in between, was when terror would befall him.

It was the fourth day after Sora had decided, forgoing Matt's consent or affirmation, that Matt was gay.

The morning had been an unpleasant surprise of Valentines in the middle of October, five tearful breakdowns, two attempts at molesting him in the hallway (one by the captain of the girls' track team, the other by the star of the boys' tennis team), eight feel-ups, three snide comments, and two teachers who felt it was in his best interest to pull him aside to discuss…delicate matters with him.

And it wasn't even lunchtime.

When said time rolled around, having already endured more than he could handle, Matt dragged Tai with him to the deserted computer lab where only Koushirou was at an empty table, tapping away at his laptop.

"Mou, Yama," complained Tai, setting his bento on the desk and pouting at it. "If we'd hung around at least another coupla minutes, we could've had a feast! I bet there would've been at least six bentos shoved at you."

Matt groaned and buried his head in his hands. "I didn't want to deal with that," he muttered. "Thank god it's only us here."

"Yes, it's really very lucky," Koushirou spoke up excitedly, fingers still flying away on the keyboard. "I was just about to ask someone to find you two!"

Chopsticks already digging through his lunch, Tai asked curiously, "Why?" when Matt seemed too frazzled to care. He nudged the blonde with his foot. When Matt lifted his head, he waved a piece of tempura in front of him. "Open wide, Yama. Can't let you starve." Obediently—or more likely, just too tired to fight—Matt parted his lips and Tai deposited the shrimp in his mouth. "Now chew," he instructed with a cheeky smile. Matt glared at him, as if to say "I think I can manage that much."

Tai was unrepentant as he fed himself. "So, what's up Kou?" he asked when he realized that the redhead hadn't answered him earlier.

Koushirou tapped his fingers on the keys twice, decisively, and then looked up. He brightened. "Oh, I just wanted to tell you that I've run an analysis program to compare Matt's behaviors and mannerisms with those of open homosexuals and, statistically speaking…" He paused and glanced at the screen of his laptop. "There's an 83.7% probability that he's gay."

Silence wavered hesitantly for a few moments, before it was chased away by Tai's riotous laughter. He clapped his hands over his mouth in a poor attempt to muffle it, but his laughs still rang out through the empty room. Matt could only blink at the computer genius.

"My _what_ behaviors?!" he finally demanded.

Tai forced himself to quiet, if only to hear Koushirou's explanation.

"Well," another quick glance at the screen, "obviously there's your obsession with your hair," Matt looked ready to say something unpleasant about everyone _else's_ obsession with his hair, so Koushirou hurried on,

"…and there's the fact that you wear makeup all the time," now Matt looked murderous,

"…and your tight, fashionable clothes, how you're never interested in girls, the way you toss your head," now Matt looked ready to say something unpleasant about Koushirou's _mother_,

"…the way your eyes always flicker to other boy's, ah, ehm, rear ends…how you're always so touchy feely, and in a group gathering you always find the best-looking guy before looking at any of the girls, the fact that you paint your nails and stare at Tai and cook in a pink apron. Oh, and the fact that you can cook at all."

"That is my _mother's_ apron! It has sentimental value! What is all this bullshit, Koushirou? Don't you know me better than that? I don't believe this—all that tight clothing and makeup and shit is for the _band_, you _know_ that! What the hell-?" Matt had rounded the table and was now staring at Koushirou's laptop. "I'm not interested in girls because all the ones I've met I'm either friends with or are completely and utterly _bizarre_! …And since _when_ do I stare at boys' 'rear ends'?!"

Tai hopped off the desk he'd been perched on, trying not to spit out his lunch as he laughed. "All the time, Yama, all the time." He winked. "I'll never forget the day you missed half my game to stare at the boys on the tennis courts."

"One of them had just injured his shoulder!" Matt defended himself, flushing. "It was just…concern! There was a crowd—it was impossible to get out of."

A messy, brown-haired head popped up on the other side of Koushirou's laptop. "Hey," Tai said, peering at the charts and numbers. "Why only 83.7%, Kou? Seems like he matches up pretty well according to all this stuff."

Koushirou looked unfazed despite Matt's ranting. Composedly, he answered Tai in his most serious voice, "He doesn't lisp."

Tai nearly fell down laughing. Matt accidentally stomped on his foot.

x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o

"But it was funny!" Tai protested, grinning at the sullen expression his best friend was sporting.

Matt glared at him and Tai only snickered, wrapping his arms tighter around the other boy's waist and tugging him closer. He leaned forward until their foreheads were touching and then breathed a quiet, "Yama…"

Sighing, the blonde relaxed in his arms. "Baka," he growled half-heartedly.

Outside, a door slammed, and a voice called out to Hikari. Muted through the door of Tai's room, the two boys inside couldn't make out distinct words. It was better this way.

"Ne, Yama, forgive me for laughing?"

Another sigh. "Of course."

"Are you really that upset about this whole situation?"

The sunlight had faded about, shadows beginning to play about the corners of the room. Sunset was approaching and the stripes of light on the tatami in front of the window would be gone soon.

"It's… Well, I mean, I know it's funny. But it's just getting old."

A whisper of a breath. Tai moved his head slightly and then they weren't forehead to forehead anymore, and he could breathe along Matt's ear, soft, silky blonde hair tickling his cheek as he did so. "Okay," he said. "Okay. I'll tell them to stop, tomorrow."

Matt's arms wound around Tai's neck, his hands sliding into the thick, riotous brown hair and pulling him even closer. His breathing sped up slightly as Tai's tongue traced gently along the shell of his ear. He forgot to breathe when that tongue dipped into sensitive skin below the lobe, and then Tai's mouth was fastened there, tasting and sucking, gently at first but then hard enough to bruise.

"I'm not gay, Taichi," he said fiercely, fisting his hands in his boyfriend's hair and pulling his head up. His pretty angel-bright eyes flashed. Then he jerked Tai forward until their mouths collided.

And long moments later, when they finally broke apart and there was a beaded thread of moisture connecting them for an instant, Tai managed a smirk around his labored breathing. He leaned forward again and ran his tongue over Matt's swollen bottom lip. "Yare, yare. You're not gay, Yama, you're 'queer.'"

Matt flashed him a smile that bordered on feral, and then he'd tumbled onto the bed, an equally predatory Tai straddling him.

They'll stop before they get caught, of course. They're not completely stupid. But they plan on enjoying themselves until then.

x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o x o

The next day, there was a new rumor circulating.

_Ishida's not gay, he's 'queer.' And he's taken._

_-_

owari

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[sheepish laughter] Heh. I don't know what to say…'tis rather cheesy, ain't it? But it's Taito so it's cute and that justifies everything. [gringrin] Ah, I love my rationalizations.

Anyway, three cameos from Prince of Tennis, completely random and uncalled for but because I'm a sad and obsessed little freak… And one cameo from Fruits Basket. Yep. I think that's all. If you can name them all you're just as sad as I am! [squeal] I love you!

Reviews make the world go 'round! (Oh wait, I quoted that wrong. It should go: Time is Money. Money makes the world go 'round. …and Draco rich! Hee.)

P.S. I will worship the ground you walk on and write any sort of gift fic for you if you read and review my stuff on fictionpress. Ah, blatant bribery and shameless plugs, all at once. 'Tis great.


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